I'm Sorry

Apologizing is an essential learned skill. I know adults that don't know how to apologize or who seem incapable of sincerely uttering the simple words, I'm sorry. Then there is the other end of the spectrum. People that say I'm sorry all the time at the littlest things. Does it carry the same meaning if it's said constantly? On the other hand, when it is heartfelt and genuine, apologizing is a brave act.

Think about it; it's easier not to say anything and walk away as nothing happened. Then to stand face to face with someone, look that person in the eye, and say I'm sorry. A person who can admit they were too harsh, hurt someone's feelings, or flat out wrong is a person I respect and would want to keep in my life.

My daughter used to say sorry constantly. It became an automatic response for things that didn't even make sense. For example, when asked, can you please pass the ketchup? She would respond with, oh, sorry here. I want to raise a confident child that doesn't feel she needs to apologize for everything. So, I started kindly pointing out to her every time she said sorry that she was using the word unnecessarily. I also started bringing up in conversation that when you overuse the word, it loses its meaning and would give examples of situations that truly warranted an apology.

I was surprised how quickly my daughter stopped overusing the word sorry once she realized how often she said it. Another outcome I wasn't expecting, she started sincerely apologizing for valid reasons, which wasn't always the case before. She is not a morning person. Everyone in our house knows this, and she can be snappy and irritable. I know shocking from a teenage girl. We clear the way and let her do her thing. On those days, which are getting less and less, I now get a heartfelt apology for her owning her behavior and how it impacted everyone else.

As brave as it is to apologize sincerely, I think it might take more courage to return to a conversation to apologize and reset. It’s never too late to revisit a conversation. We all have had conversations/interactions that weren't so hot or were hot at the moment, especially spending so much time together through a pandemic. One afternoon my daughter brought me a coffee that had I'm sorry written on it for something that had happened earlier that day. Coffee and a big hug solve just about anything.

I continue to have conversations with my children about apologizing. It is a life skill they need to learn. The sibling apology with no eye contact and the begrudged, I'm sorry, said under their breath doesn't count. They absolutely should acknowledge they did something worthy of an apology, sincerely express their remorse and offer a resolution in an attempt to fix the situation and repair the relationship with the other person. It's ok to make mistakes, feel ashamed, humiliated, and guilty. These are all normal human emotions. An apology is a great way to recover and move forward and not get stuck in those feelings.

Emotional Abuse is Abuse.

When most people think of abuse, they think of physical abuse and bruises. Emotional/psychological abuse does not leave physical marks but is just as, if not more, damaging to a person. You can more easily hide emotional/psychological abuse from the public, friends, and family. You can never be sure what another person is experiencing in their relationships. Some people can too quickly put on a smile and present a perfect image to the outside world. Unfortunately, that’s what our society supports, and that’s just what abusers want so the cycle can continue. It needs to stop. Emotional abuse is abuse.

We need to start recognizing the signs and educating others, including our children, on this insidious abuse so we can stop the dangerous cycle. Unfortunately, it’s often difficult for people to realize they are in an emotionally abusive situation, leaving them in these damaging relationships for far too long. As a result, they can become quiet, withdrawn, and their self-esteem is ravaged.

Abusers will try to control and have power over their victims. Their tactics can include using humiliation, manipulation, threats, controlling finances, crazy-making, and gaslighting. They may also act as if they are more important and intelligent. Their time is more valuable and will demand immediate attention even when they make unreasonable demands. Abusers will be condescending and use inappropriate sarcasm at your expense.

They constantly criticize, call you names, and use bullying behaviors to bulldoze and shut you down. Emotional abusers try to isolate their victims from others, especially those that might support them, like friends and family. They will make up stories about you to hide their abuse and cut off you from social support.

If the abuser’s tactics aren’t working, the violence can escalate quickly. According to centerforfamilyjustice.org, three women in the United States are killed by current or former intimate partners every day. This statistic is terrifying. We need to stop this dangerous cycle.

Let's start a conversation about emotional/psychological abuse. Talk to your children, neighbors, friends, and family members. Make sure they know that just like no one should ever harm their body, they should also not harm their mind and mental wellbeing. If you are in any form of an abusive relationship or recognize someone else is, please speak out. Tell a professional therapist, doctor, or a trusted friend. If someone comes to you and describes abusive behavior, believe them, help them identify it as abuse, and get professional help. You could be saving a life.

Power and Control Wheel to identify and recognize abuse

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/powercontrolwheelnoshading.pdf

Additional resources:

https://www.thehotline.org/

or call 1-800-799-SAFE

Dating After Divorce

Reentering the dating realm after being married for almost 20 years has been a full-on adventure. Like any other thrilling experience, the emotions have ranged from painfully terrifying to pure joy, including fantastic butterflies. Being divorced about two years now, I have had enough experience to give an opinion, but I wouldn’t say I have perfected dating – truly has anyone ever?! Here is what I have learned so far.

First, make sure you are in a healthy mindset and ready to date. I didn’t start dating right away after my divorce. There were so many significant changes for my children and me. I wanted to focus on building a stable, happy life for us, and dating wasn’t a priority at that time. Once you make that healthy, happy base and figure out who you are as a person, you will be much more confident in meeting new people and putting yourself out there. Knowing if it doesn’t work out, I still have this great life and family that I love makes me feel safe and secure.

A night with your friends is priceless. So do not give that up for a date. Instead, build that loyal tribe and treasure those times. These are the ones you call after your dates and give them all the good, bad, or indifferent details. Your friends are the ones that text you obsessively during your dates because they love you and will always be on call for a rescue if needed. Luckily, I haven’t had to call this favor in yet.

Like every other part of your life, you need to have a positive mindset to be successful. Be excited to meet new people and make new connections. Chances are you probably won’t meet your soulmate the first time out, but you could get an excellent new friend or learn something interesting.

Something I have had to relearn over the last couple of years is to trust my gut. That feeling is usually right. When you meet someone, you get a feeling about them. Honor that feeling. Start by messaging and talking over the phone to feel them out. You are not going to like or go out with everyone, and that’s fine. You can permanently block or unfriend people that push your boundaries or make you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes you make it on an actual date and find out that’s not a person for you and end it with a handshake, and that’s ok even if they ask for more. Again, honor your boundaries and feelings.

Most people are good, and if you have confidence in yourself, you will be fine. You have to have fun with the process and faith that the universe has an ultimate plan for you. I believe there is always a reason why people come into our hemisphere. It’s up to us to reflect on the purpose and learn from our experiences. If we have gained something, there is no loss.